"this really seems to have shaken you," and other things men have said in response to my being harassed at a bike race.

Trigger Warning & also I suspect what I have to say might piss some people off. I don't care. I'm so over it.

 When I heard those boys in Nebraska shouting at me at 3 am, I was right back Rosstucky.

Where I was barely 13 & a high schooler on my bus told me that I was hot, but then aggressively said my dad was a dick. 

Where I was growing curves & my friends' older brothers were making gestures with their hands. 

Where my guy friends mocked me for not wanting to be alone in the neighborhood where the pedophile lived. 

Where my grandma warned me against perfume rapists in parking lots & my girl friends carried their car keys between their fingers. 

Or how a boy stole a friend's mace from her purse on the school bus and discharged it. She was suspended. He was not.

Where boys in my Agriculture class burst through the bathroom door on another girl & when I went to change my tampon, I leaned my ass on the door to prevent the same thing from happening to me. Where I literally had to fight to keep the door shut while I fumbled with the tampon applicator.

When I didn't flirt or put out, I was a prude. 

The purity-culture boys didn't respect you, either. 

Because the origin of first sin came from woman & woman will tempt men, & you're a whore if you want to be desirable or when you have desire. 

There were no allies amongst the boys.

And then I was a bitch, because I was scared & I trained myself towards hyperawareness, and learned to defend myself and have a loud voice that tried to make boundaries. 

But those got me in trouble, because good girls don't raise their voices & fuckable girls don't say no.

I acted strong and tough, but I also learned to hide.

None of it worked that night. Everything escalated the situation. Having tits escalated the situation.

So when people say, "That's not Nebraska/Indiana," I respond, "But it IS small town." 

Because this wasn't the first time, not at all. 

The boys are privileged & entitled. The girls are complicit or scared & both. Everyone is bored.

America, you need to fucking do better.

& if your argument is that I shouldn't have been out there by myself, you can get lost.