over it

 

Man, I'm over it - and, yeah, yeah, we are all over "it, the it of 2020." But what I'm excruciatingly, firmly over is having to apologize for who I am and the success I have had. I'll be honest, this journey to "over it" has been long and arduous, but also one that has been coming for years, long before I turned that magical 30. Thirty, when I suddenly realized I was a God Damn Mother Fucking Adult and didn't need to Put Up with your shit. 

Cause not giving a fuck about your shit is not something one can just unlearn. It takes practice, and despite being very disciplined in many aspects of my life, I also fail hard-core at giving myself grace, and letting it go. 

I have been accused of being an elitist, being a competitive bitch, intimidating and exclusionary. And I have modified how I present myself, have put myself in positions of discomfort, making myself smaller and continuing toxic relationships to convince myself that others are convinced that I'm not any of those things. 

Ya'll, ya'll. I'm done. I'm over it. I'm no longer going to apologize for who and what I am. I'm no longer going to go above & beyond to make people around me feel less intimidated. If people - even my friends - want to create that narrative about me, then fuck 'em. If people want to talk to other people about the narratives they have about me, then fuck 'em.

I'm uninterested in being unkind, or unencouraging, or being an unapproachable ice queen, but I am also equally uninterested in being unkind to myself. And the accusations that have been lobbed at me over the years really grinds my soul down. I am sick of questioning my compassion, empathy and kindness as a result of someone's irrational intimidation and jealousy. I want to leave the ways of children behind me, and that not only includes me being less of a gossip, but also learning to let the gossips in my life go. 

I am successful, because I have worked hard to make enough mistakes to learn better to get better. I mean, fuck, do you know how many times I have fallen short of my marks? I sacrificed time and health and comfort to discipline myself to achieve my goals.  I am motivated to improve my technique and strategies and form and knowledge for those goals and for my career. I am proud of what I've done, and exquisitely aware of all who have helped me get here, and feel a deep obligation to mentor those interested in doing similarly. You can't even fathom what I've put myself through to be strong enough to say any of this.

If any of that makes you think of me as a bad person, friend or citizen, then I'd politely ask you to get the fuck out. I'm unapologetically taking back my own story. I'm not interested in your approval, and I'm only sorry that we can't see eye to eye on this.