What Happened, part one
written on 10/1/19 as part of Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). It's long - the assignment was to write down every detail: what I saw, what I smelled, what I heard, what happened then, what happened later. Every. God. Damned. Thing. I was instructed to be as detailed as possible. I took a break half way through so that I could hit the mountain bike trails (which turned out to be a massive mistake - more on that later as I recount my time in CPT). This is the first part.
I was training for Dirty Kanza 200 and Race Across the West. It was March 31, 2018. I needed training miles. I was worried about stamina, my body breaking down and juggling all of that training and preparation. I decided to join Steve and Lydia on a 300k (approximately 160 mile) brevet (a self-supported, self navigating ride as part of the Randonnuers of the USA) in Kentucky, from Louisville to north of Lexington, and back.
I convinced Dean to go, and I was grateful for the company. We were both planning to ride an extra 40 miles - by the end of March, I wanted to be able to do a certain amount of mileage by week's end.
I was nervous. So was Dean - we both had never done a brevet before. He over-packed. I felt under-prepared.
The morning of the ride, we had to figure out how to carry our gear and clothes - it was 35-degrees. At the start, the RUSA guys basically ignored us. Lydia was doing her social media bit, which made me that much more nervous. It was pitch black at 5 am, and cold as a witch's tit. Dean and I quickly fell off the back at the start. He was struggling with his Garmin - it wasn't giving him turn by turn directions. I was really, really cold, despite wearing all of my proper gear. The elevation profile was also much more aggressive than what I was used to.
I tried to tell myself to control the controllables - focus on nutrition, hydration, navigation - and just finish the miles. But I was really discouraged. I wanted to be making better time, I thought I should have been doing better. It was beautiful out, though. I was really enjoying the different landscape - foggy descents, a beautiful sunrise. Dean and I were really cold, and annoying at the stupid, arbitrary rules that RUSA implemented - who stamps brevet cards? What secret control? We just wanted to ride our bikes.
My back also really hurt. It was a big, intense, stiff pain that radiated across my lower back. I was worried about it - it was chronic and such a pain to deal with - and I had to stop several times to stretch. I felt like I was annoying Dean.
The wind picked up and our pace slowed further. I made sure our lights were off at this point, to conserve battery life. I was officially the only one that had turn by turn on my bike computer. I was really impressed that the drivers in Kentucky were so patient and kind. We crawled up these hills, and they'd wait so patiently until we could pull over and let them around us. I made several comments about the drivers and their attitudes, compared to the drivers in Indiana.
We got to Crittendon/Mount Zion Road. We were on top of a ridge. It was like I could see forever. The wind was at our back. The route was an out and back, so we started running into other brevet riders who were on their way back in. Steve and Lydia were all smiles as they passed. I was tired.
We turned onto the busy road at an intersection. The traffic was much worse, and I finally told Dean I was going to ride on the sidewalk. I didn't realize we were so close to an interstate. We go to a gas station and they said we had to get our brevet cards stamped at the other gas station across a super busy bridge. We were both fed up and tired. We about said, "fuck it," but instead walked out bikes over the bridge, got our cards stamped and took stock of the situation:
I was training for Dirty Kanza 200 and Race Across the West. It was March 31, 2018. I needed training miles. I was worried about stamina, my body breaking down and juggling all of that training and preparation. I decided to join Steve and Lydia on a 300k (approximately 160 mile) brevet (a self-supported, self navigating ride as part of the Randonnuers of the USA) in Kentucky, from Louisville to north of Lexington, and back.
I convinced Dean to go, and I was grateful for the company. We were both planning to ride an extra 40 miles - by the end of March, I wanted to be able to do a certain amount of mileage by week's end.
I was nervous. So was Dean - we both had never done a brevet before. He over-packed. I felt under-prepared.
The morning of the ride, we had to figure out how to carry our gear and clothes - it was 35-degrees. At the start, the RUSA guys basically ignored us. Lydia was doing her social media bit, which made me that much more nervous. It was pitch black at 5 am, and cold as a witch's tit. Dean and I quickly fell off the back at the start. He was struggling with his Garmin - it wasn't giving him turn by turn directions. I was really, really cold, despite wearing all of my proper gear. The elevation profile was also much more aggressive than what I was used to.
I tried to tell myself to control the controllables - focus on nutrition, hydration, navigation - and just finish the miles. But I was really discouraged. I wanted to be making better time, I thought I should have been doing better. It was beautiful out, though. I was really enjoying the different landscape - foggy descents, a beautiful sunrise. Dean and I were really cold, and annoying at the stupid, arbitrary rules that RUSA implemented - who stamps brevet cards? What secret control? We just wanted to ride our bikes.
My back also really hurt. It was a big, intense, stiff pain that radiated across my lower back. I was worried about it - it was chronic and such a pain to deal with - and I had to stop several times to stretch. I felt like I was annoying Dean.
The wind picked up and our pace slowed further. I made sure our lights were off at this point, to conserve battery life. I was officially the only one that had turn by turn on my bike computer. I was really impressed that the drivers in Kentucky were so patient and kind. We crawled up these hills, and they'd wait so patiently until we could pull over and let them around us. I made several comments about the drivers and their attitudes, compared to the drivers in Indiana.
We got to Crittendon/Mount Zion Road. We were on top of a ridge. It was like I could see forever. The wind was at our back. The route was an out and back, so we started running into other brevet riders who were on their way back in. Steve and Lydia were all smiles as they passed. I was tired.
We turned onto the busy road at an intersection. The traffic was much worse, and I finally told Dean I was going to ride on the sidewalk. I didn't realize we were so close to an interstate. We go to a gas station and they said we had to get our brevet cards stamped at the other gas station across a super busy bridge. We were both fed up and tired. We about said, "fuck it," but instead walked out bikes over the bridge, got our cards stamped and took stock of the situation:
- 95 miles in
- 6 to 7 hours in
- 70 miles to go
- 6 to 7 more hours
It was going to get dark before we were back to the start. I was marginally prepared... but my wahoo's battery was at 5%. Fuck! It is supposed to last 17 hours, what the hell? I had the cue sheet, but without a headlamp on my head, I wouldn't be able to see it. I had packable batteries, but I was very nervous about getting back safely.
So, I plugged in the Wahoo. I had the cue sheet on my handlebars. We got back on the sidewalk, and then we got back on the road. The car traffic was very loud. We had a headwind. It was deafening. I could barely hear anything and the noise was so disorienting. I was really hot & cold at this point. Dean was packing my sleeves from my jacket, and the sweat on my baselayer was cooling down really quickly.
My Wahoo Died Here. We passed Crittendon-Mount Zion Road, our turn off, accidentally. We pulled over at the next road when we realized out mistake. I was officially fed up, we both were.
So, I plugged in the Wahoo. I had the cue sheet on my handlebars. We got back on the sidewalk, and then we got back on the road. The car traffic was very loud. We had a headwind. It was deafening. I could barely hear anything and the noise was so disorienting. I was really hot & cold at this point. Dean was packing my sleeves from my jacket, and the sweat on my baselayer was cooling down really quickly.
My Wahoo Died Here. We passed Crittendon-Mount Zion Road, our turn off, accidentally. We pulled over at the next road when we realized out mistake. I was officially fed up, we both were.
It was hard to concentrate on my line, look in my mirror, look at the cue sheet and listen to Dean call Car Bar, Car Back through the wind and car noise every 5 seconds. I checked my Wahoo & Battery. It was still plugged in, but I hadn't turned the battery on, so it wasn't charging at all. (Squiggle face sketch here). I turned the battery on, put them both in my pocket and prayed it would charge.
I did not want to go back on that road. Dean really didn't want to, either. But we didn't want to get into trouble for going off course. But then again, who honestly cared at that point? It's not like the Brevet Organizers gave a shit about us with this stupid section of road? I pulled up Google Maps, pointed out another route to get us off that main road and back on course. Deadn didn't want to say yes or no. But we both knew #1: we didn't want disqualified and #2 maybe the alternative route was dangerous, closed or gravel. So, we got back on that road and headed the one mile back to Crittendon-Mount Zion Road.
At this point, my back was really sore. I was hot and cold. I couldn't hear anything but cars and Dean yelling Car back every five seconds. I could not see anything out of my mirror. Cars were passing so fast. It was a 2 lane highway, so they'd pass several feet away, but as we approached our turn, I was really nervous. We had a green light, and just needed to get to the left turn lane. I could have turned my head, but I was worried I would veer into traffic, so I sighted with my mirror only. Except I couldn't see - Dean was in my view and there was a slight rise in the terrain. We signaled for what felt like forever. We took our lane. I contemplated pulled off to the right side of the road to cross like a child, but decided it would be a waste of time and energy.
We had a "clear up," no oncoming traffic. Dean said, "Clear back," and I checked my mirror. I didn't see rear-approaching traffic. I judged it to be okay.
It wasn't.
We had a "clear up," no oncoming traffic. Dean said, "Clear back," and I checked my mirror. I didn't see rear-approaching traffic. I judged it to be okay.
It wasn't.
As I moved into the left lane, and then to move into the left turn lane, I heard Dean scream, "Car back! Car back!" I looked in my mirror and saw a car flash. Headlight - it was a dark car. It was all a blur. It happened so fast, I didn't have time to react.
I heard Dean scream, "Molly, watch out!" just as I felt the world tip sideways.
Everything fuzzed out and time stood still. I heard brakes squealing, but also an engine roaring? I remember the force of the impact blowing something off my face - it ended up being my sunglasses. I didn't feel anything - at least while I was in the air. I was was emotionally annoyed. Like - who the fuck has time for this? And I thought maybe that my bike wouldn't be fucked up and I could finish the ride. And if it weren't, ho would we get back to my truck, so we could go home.
But then I hit the ground. I didn't slide, at all. The roaring in my head stopped, everything was quiet in my mind as it processed everything:
My left hip was hit by the car - a mirror or a fender or something. It launched me into the air and my bike smacked the ground. I fell onto my right elbow, not under or over the car. I was about ten feet from where I was making the turn, well into the intersection. I was separated from my bike.
But once I hit the ground, once I realized I was on the ground and in the intersection, I panicked, thinking I was going to get hit again. I tried to get off of the road. It was like a scramble: I tried to stand, and couldn't see - everything when gray. I tried to crawl, and I couldn't get traction or coordinate my limbs. My back and pelvis were in excruciating pain. I freaked the hell out - I didn't want to get hit again.
I started screaming, "Dean! Dean! Get me off the road! Get me off the road!" I started sobbing and hyperventilating. I think he? Or someone else? put my bike and his bike on the opposite side of the road. He ran over to me, I was crouched in the middle of the intersection, and I think at some point, I threw my helmet off of my head. Next thing I know, cars are stopped everywhere, at least three people are on the phone and a couple of other people are arguing about whether or not to move my sunglasses, because it's considered evidence. Then a car passing hits it, and it shatters. Some people are directing traffic around us. And the cars kept flying past. They were so loud.
Someone asked, "Are you okay? Is she okay? Ma'am are you okay?" I yelled back, I am not fucking okay! This fucking hurts! Oh, God!"
I started screaming, "Dean! Dean! Get me off the road! Get me off the road!" I started sobbing and hyperventilating. I think he? Or someone else? put my bike and his bike on the opposite side of the road. He ran over to me, I was crouched in the middle of the intersection, and I think at some point, I threw my helmet off of my head. Next thing I know, cars are stopped everywhere, at least three people are on the phone and a couple of other people are arguing about whether or not to move my sunglasses, because it's considered evidence. Then a car passing hits it, and it shatters. Some people are directing traffic around us. And the cars kept flying past. They were so loud.
Someone asked, "Are you okay? Is she okay? Ma'am are you okay?" I yelled back, I am not fucking okay! This fucking hurts! Oh, God!"
Dean was on my right side, holding my right hand and grabbed my left hip to support me against him. I screamed because my left hip hurt and we both stared at his hand - my shorts were ripped and his hand was covered in blood.
He said, "Molly, I thought you were dead."
He said, "Molly, I thought you were dead."
The woman on the phone, the one who asked if I was okay, asks me where the driver was. I just stare at her and then yell, "How am I supposed to fucking know!?" She just stares at me, looking shocked. Dean started yelling, "Who hits a person and then drives off? Not even a dog deserves that!"
Then this man says something in the crowd, and the woman goes, "What!?" And it's an old man, he looks just like my dead Grandpa - jowls, and shorter with age, probably was stupid strong when he was young. Now he's all mournful. "I did it, I hit her," he says.
I just stare at him for a minute, like, does the universe fucking hate me, for an old man who looks liek Grandpa be the son of a bitch that ruined me?
I hear sirens, but it's got to be forever before they show up. I feel like I can't catch my breath, and my body is just pulling me into a little ball. I want to slide into the ditch and die.
A man comes to my left side. He's a first responder that was in traffic when I got hit. He explains they had to get me on my back - he has Dean hold my head, and he puts his sunglasses on my face. It's a sunny day, yeah? He tells me that I have to start breathing or I was going to have bigger problems. He tells me that I'm in shock and need to concentrate my my breath. I try to do the yoga breathing but then he palpates my abdomen and I clench up. I hate it when people touch my stomach.
The police arrive, and Dean has to answer questions. I see the driver doing the same. I tell he needs to call Nathan, now, and try to give him my Road ID. He doesn't call. I don't know how he keeps track of anything, honestly. The paramedics put a neck brace on me. There is so much noise. I can't think. Everything hurts. I just want to go to sleep. I start saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." They load me into a firetruck. A firetuck, because in Crittendon, their fucking ambulance is under repair?
I just stare at him for a minute, like, does the universe fucking hate me, for an old man who looks liek Grandpa be the son of a bitch that ruined me?
I hear sirens, but it's got to be forever before they show up. I feel like I can't catch my breath, and my body is just pulling me into a little ball. I want to slide into the ditch and die.
A man comes to my left side. He's a first responder that was in traffic when I got hit. He explains they had to get me on my back - he has Dean hold my head, and he puts his sunglasses on my face. It's a sunny day, yeah? He tells me that I have to start breathing or I was going to have bigger problems. He tells me that I'm in shock and need to concentrate my my breath. I try to do the yoga breathing but then he palpates my abdomen and I clench up. I hate it when people touch my stomach.
The police arrive, and Dean has to answer questions. I see the driver doing the same. I tell he needs to call Nathan, now, and try to give him my Road ID. He doesn't call. I don't know how he keeps track of anything, honestly. The paramedics put a neck brace on me. There is so much noise. I can't think. Everything hurts. I just want to go to sleep. I start saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." They load me into a firetruck. A firetuck, because in Crittendon, their fucking ambulance is under repair?
Dean gets in the front and I'm so grateful because now I'm really scared. My back hurts so, so bad. Laying flat on that back board, I felt like I was being broken in half. I try to tell the paramedic that I need to bend my knees, and he asks if I can move my legs - I can and he and I are both relieved. I want him to take my cycling shoes off, so I can bend my legs. I does, but it doesn't help.
It hurts.
I'm scared.
It hurts.
I'm scared.
It hurts.
I'm scared.
The roads are super twisty and fucking rough from Crittendon to Florence. It makes keeping my back quiet and breathing steady impossible. I feel like I'm going to tip over with every turn.
At least I stopped crying.
But the paramedic is making notes and palpates my abdomen, and I flinch and grab his hand because I'm terrified and I just want to feel connection to something that's alive.
But the paramedic is making notes and palpates my abdomen, and I flinch and grab his hand because I'm terrified and I just want to feel connection to something that's alive.
All I hear are sirens.
I smell nothing.
I feel pain.
I am cold.
I smell nothing.
I feel pain.
I am cold.
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