If I die from COVID-19

With the university/college taking nearly 2 weeks to implement proper social distancing measures and with my job being considered essential, I will be amazed if I have not had contact with COVID-19 by now. As an immunosuppressed person, I have been processing what this might mean for me.

The following list will probably read a bit strangely. However, I'm coming to terms with processing the grief of a global pandemic - and if you aren't, you're stuck in the stage of denial, my friends. I have to acknowledge that I'm terrified of succumbing to this virus. I have to acknowledge that 2018 was spent recovering from a catastrophic injury that was disabling for several months. I have to acknowledge that the crash left me with an anxiety disorder. And I have to accept that that history makes me particularly sensitive to what is going on in the world now: that I do not want to die, that I do not want to put my family through another traumatic event, and that I do not want to experience the prospect of clawing my way back to health (but I would, because that's what we do...). So.

If I succumb to COVID-19:

1. Remember, I never wanted heroic measures done to me before; and the same holds true today. I do not want to be a vegetable, a ghost of the person that I am today. My husband is not to waste away by my side - he is to be free to move on. My family should feel no burden, emotionally or financially. To be immobile and obtunded will be hell for me. 
2. I hope my workplace recognizes that they were too conservative about their actions, and I was never wrong in speaking out against their slow actions. I hope that people begin to really analyze what is considered essential.
3. My sister is to disable my Facebook account. Ya'll don't need to be posting to my timeline like I'm still getting online to see those messages. If you didn't tell me what you thought about me when I was alive, then you were too late.  I'm already gone.
4. That said, you should know that if there was ever bad blood between us, I am sorry. I was sorry long before COVID-19 spilled into the human population. I was likely sorry the moment that my stupid mouth opened up, and, what's more important is that I am sorry for never apologizing at that time. 
5. And I'm sorry for hurting you. It was never my intention. 
6. My dog is to stay with N. He won't ever admit it, but he likes that dog. I'd like to think that she would keep him from spiraling. 
7. Nathan, use whatever is in our nest egg to hire help to get the rest of the house finished so that you can sell that place to the next hipster couple. Get away from the ghost of me and start a new life. If you decide to stay, then stay. But then use the money to hire a full-time housekeeper so you can heal in a clean home that doesn't look like a bachelor's pad. Treat yourself in the way I never could.
8. And sell the Race Across the West van and truck. Put that money towards finishing the barn so that you can have your stained glass studio. Or, if you are moving, use that money to make a safe, clean space for your art.
9. My dad gets the beehives and beekeeping equipment. He also gets to dog-sit whenever he wants, and rights to Lily if something should happen to N. 
10. My mom gets whatever she wants - she's never asked for anything in her life. There are tons of supplies for the "arts & craps" in the guest room, but please don't feel obligated. It's just more clutter.
11. Hannah, I don't know what you could possibly want that I own, but know that if it exists, it's yours. My whole music collection? That seems more like a burden than a gift!
12. My clothes just need to be given to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Don't hang on to any of that shit, it's just material. 
13. My engagement ring should go to N's oldest nephew - keep that in the Birt family. Divvy out the rest of my jewelry, sell it to a pawn shop, I don't care. Don't keep it. 
14. Give my bikes to people in the cycling clubs. Tell the recipients: Molly rode the hell out of her bikes, and you should, too.  My kits, gear, equipment and tools should be donated to the WRCC so that any profit of selling it goes towards maintaining the community spirit of the club. Let them figure out what to do with it. I would ask that Britt & Court be in charge of seeing this is done, so my shit doesn't just sit in the garage.
15. I have a bank account called "Bike Gear." Whatever is in that should be made into a cycling scholarship - I ask that Cameron and Lia assume management of that. Let them determine how to go about growing that monetary amount, to determine who gets it, whatever. 
16. Everything else should just be given away - it's just crap. Honestly, don't fight over it. You will be doing a major disservice to my beliefs. Use my awards for firewood. Let any legacy that you think I am turn into legend, and then into myth.
17. To everyone else, all I have to give is my love & gratitude. If I never expressed that to you, even if we parted in anger, you should know you were loved and I was grateful for you in my life.