a letter of 10,000 sorries

I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for who I am. I am sorry for what I say. I am sorry for what I don't say. I am sorry for how I say it. And I'm sorry that I can't not say what I need to say without your pain being the result. I'm sorry for it never being enough. I am sorry for never being enough for the rest of the world. I am sorry I cannot rip myself into multiple iterations of myself to achieve what you want from me. I am sorry that my path to achieving a successful outcome is not the same one that you are on. I am sorry that the burden of my vocation is now overwhelmingly painful. I am sorry that the environment of my vocation feels abusive to my nerves. I am sorry that the location of my vocation is stifling. I am sorry that I have withdrawn into myself as a result. I am sorry that I cannot see an exit. Also, I am sorry that I do not have the bravery to find it. I am sorry that I have buried my pain. I am sorry that I have made a joke of my trauma - it has not been and never will be funny. I am sorry that my coping mechanisms have taken me farther from you. I am sorry that I have been distant. I am sorry that my reaction to other people's horror of my life has caused me to hide my reality. I am sorry that by their disgust over the years has made me build walls that cannot be breached. I am sorry that those walls have self-deprecating defense mechanisms. I am sorry that those defense mechanisms are designed to hurt people to keep them at arm's length. I am sorry that I've taught myself to strike out before someone can hurt me. I am sorry that I have learned that self-hatred is more acceptable for a woman to adorn herself. I am sorry that this self-hatred results in not being able to see what you see. I am sorry that this self-hatred is greedy. I am sorry that this self-hatred gets in the way. I am sorry that this self-hatred results in me being super defensive and harsh. I am sorry that when I do let people in, it is perceived as needy, or clingy. I am sorry that I am a hard person to love. I am sorry that I have been fighting for so long. I am sorry that you think I am something other than who I am. I am sorry that I am no longer the person who you used to love. I am sorry that I have chronic pain. I am sorry that my body has betrayed me. I am sorry that my reaction to that betrayal is to have a lower tolerance for minor annoyances. I am sorry that I need reassurances. I am sorry that I don't believe them. I am sorry that I am so tired. I am sorry that I am so exhausting to be around. I am sorry that I just want to be heard. I am sorry that it is never enough. I am sorry that I will always want more. I am sorry that from my darkest places, I will always seek joy. I am sorry that you are not enough. I am sorry that your love is not enough. I am sorry that the endorphins feel too good to forget. I am sorry that the dopamine is addictive. I am sorry that by exploring my limits, I only now seek to find what the actual limit looks & feels like. I am sorry that I still wear clothes that are too big. I am sorry that I am not pretty enough. I am sorry that I feel things so intensely. I am sorry that I am too much. I am sorry that it scares you. I am sorry that I want to feel grounded. I am sorry that I want to feel free. I am sorry that by wanting to feel respected I will not tolerate bullshit. I am sorry that I play my music too loud. I am sorry that silence makes me so uncomfortable. I am sorry that I see ghosts over my left shoulder. I am sorry that I have ignored those ghosts for so long. I am sorry that I had a fucking breakdown on the side of the road. I am sorry that you had to see that. I am sorry that, even after years of being so hurt and disappointed by the world, that I continue to look for the best in people. I am sorry that I have outrage fatigue. I am sorry that Americans are, literally, the worst. I am sorry that I cannot only see the fucking worst in your enemies, I also see the best. I am sorry that my compassion exists at all, actually. I am sorry that I said all of those things, because the truth hurts. I am sorry my cup runneth amuck. I am sorry that I am tired of being the butt of the joke. I am sorry that I am so, so raw around the edges right now. I am sorry that I kept you too long. I am sorry that I was not present. I am sorry that I am so jealous of what I cannot have. I am sorry that I am greedy. I am sorry that, at my absolute fucking worst, you still see the best in me.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I cannot say this enough: I am sorry. There is not enough time or tears or emotion or land or space in the sky for the sorries I have to try and serve a penance for some things that are, or are not, or never can be.