What Is It?

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Most days, It's fine. And then, It just jumps out at me, like I was staring at It the whole time but never saw how close It was. It usually guts me or leaves me breathless, but in the end, I'm never surprised by how I feel about It. #fbf #cairngormsnationalpark #scotland #vagueshit #TGIF

A post shared by Molly Birt (@toejamfutbol) on Feb 22, 2019 at 4:43pm PST

My sister texted me about five minutes after I was vagueing around on social media with brilliant photos I somehow manage to produce. She asks, "What is going on? What is it?" She is so attuned to my moods, she knows when something is amiss. This has been going on for at least six months - her Spidey Senses go off from over 500 miles away, and she calls or texts.

In my hunger and exhaustion from a 12 hour day spent with one very sick, very little foal, I just typed back "Meh. I'm getting dinner. Let me eat and I will get back to you." While I sat in front of my plate of the only legit food I had eaten all day, I tried to put into words what had set me off - this time. Because the last time it was something else. And the time before that - back in December, it was really bad. And every time, every fucking time, it's some new little trigger.

I eventually typed back to explain... and then I called her the next day to clarify and get advice. I've got a good sister - the best. While I was waiting on shift change, I had five minutes and was mindlessly scrolling through a friend's facebook page* and landed on this photo that I've seen before. He's hunting eggs with his son and dog - cute, right? I look at the date - April 1st, 2018 - and I literally think, "Huh. So here he is having a normal Easter, and I was lying in bed, wanting to die, and having to call my friends to explain to them that luckily, I wasn't dead."

That was it - an innocuous photo just caused made me lose my breath. I couldn't breath, that's it. I went home, warmed up my meal, posted something vague on instagram, fell asleep for a couple of hours, and then was up long before I needed to. I tried to distract myself with all of the things that I haven't done yet. Eventually, I made my way to the community work out, where endorphins, adrenaline and focusing on not smashing my nose in with the medicine ball forced me out of despondency. I prepped for a 45-mile training ride with some level of hesitancy, as most of my miles have been on gravel, away from traffic and so quiet.

And that's it. I rode 45 miles. Doug took us through main street on the eastside on our return. Every time a car passed, I flinched. With every flinch, I'd exhale, and build my wall back up. By the time I was home, my fragility was once again calloused over. This is It. This is what I do with It.

* Did you know that social media use and "phubbing" (the use of one's mobile phone to snub the environment around one's self) is linked to increased depression and anxiety? I need to Marie Kondo this shit.