speaking truth into existence

A couple weeks ago, our local opinionist interviewed me for an article about my crash, and I tried to be as fair and as reasonable as possible, without negotiating or downplaying the seriousness of the situation: that the increase in bike v. car altercations are on the rise as a result of distracted, impaired and emotional driving.

I avoided reading the comments as much as I humanly could. There was one lapse in self-control, though, in which I saw one woman accuse me of lying about the incident, because the article had not called up the driver to confirm my side of the story.

(full disclosure: the journalist didn't have to, as the driver accepted responsibility at the scene, the police report confirmed it, and the driver's insurance is claiming all liability for person injury and property damages. news flash! as of mid-April, the driver was still not charged with illegally passing on a double yellow line at an intersection, causing serious injury to a "pedestrian." that's cool.)

Back to this commentator on the article. Most of the other comments were typical, laughable trolls, frothing at the mouth about fuckshit. But this woman's comment was particularly frustrating. All I have is my name, and I chose to be vulnerable and exposed in telling the truth. And then I'm accused of being dishonest, despite the fact that my transparency, on any given day, is interpreted as mean, sharkish, stand offish or rude. Fine, whatever, go suck an innertube, ya wally.

What was intriguing, though, was a fellow cyclist from #bikelala showed up in response to her - arguing that not only is it so typical for non-cyclists/runners/walkers/motorcyclists to identify more with the driver (true fact) despite the driver's obvious misdeed, but also stated that he knows me very well as one of the more respected and honest cyclists in the city.

I mean, I've got my own sword, but I appreciated this guy, to speak truth into existence, to be a little white knight for the cause. Funny enough, I know who he is, but I don't know-know him... ya know? Anyway, it was a kind gesture to expose himself to the internet vitriol to simply verify that there are honest victims out there.

(cough #metoo cough... isn't it awful how the masses fail the victims, survivors and vulnerable peoples?)

So on one hands, here's this guy that I've ridden a bit with, know through other channels, but isn't my bestie, and he is defending me. In my other hand is a list of people and groups who have questioned every facet of my being hit - all of whom know me, have been my friends, family or coworkers for longer than I can name, fuck, even other cyclists! One blames my training buddy for not seeing the car that hit me. Because the onus is always on the cyclist, always, never the driver.  One claims, "It's a joke, just a joke!" when I am upset when he tells me I shouldn't have swerved in front of cars. Because cyclists swerve a lot, you know? The person who says, "Well, I see cyclists run stop signs all the time," as if that one person's bad behavior is somehow my fault. The people who say, "Well, you need to think about what this means. You have to think about why this happened," as if there is some divine happening for this to have occurred. Thoughts and prayers, bitches. Oh, and speaking of prayer, let's hear if for the people who have been conveniently absent the past two months. Thanks, guys.

The one that is really grinding my gears, though, are all of the people who argued until they were blue in the face about how cyclists need not be on the roads. How they are selfish with their riding, how they should not take the lane, how they should be on the sidewalk. The ones who insisted that it was okay to watch TV while they drove (the FUCK) because they'd fall asleep otherwise. I remember all of those conversations, and you know what I've noticed? How very few of those people have commented, reached out or even checked in on my situation, how my family is handling these changes, whatever it is the community and friends are to do. By their silence, there is an overwhelming, condemning awful accusation that I did this to myself.

Let me say that again.

From their perspective, I deserve to have been hit by a negligent driver because I was on the road.

I mean, fuck that shit. If the world is so hellbent on proving that their opinion is correct (newsflash, opinions aren't facts!) that they are willing and able to see their friends, family members and coworkers maimed or killed, then I don't ever want to talk to those people again. This is when a cheeky internet meme becomes a reality. I don't need that kind  of negativity in my life.

In other news, I'll end on a happier note because I am actively trying to not be a complete bitch for the rest of my life (hashtag so fucking blessed). One thing that has been made painfully aware in this time, especially in the week or two after the crash, is just how a community is to respond. I have had a lesson in how Your People are to treat one of their own fallen. Some of the people are our friends, and others just came out of the woodwork to help in whatever way they knew how. One couple took in our dog for a couple days while I learned how to navigate the world again. My cycling community and friends brought food over... enough that we had to say enough! Friends and coworkers offered to clean the house, but I was so mortified, I couldn't let them see what kind of squalor I had left the house in before traveling for a ride. Cards poured in, people called and texted.

That, friends, is the Kingdom of God, and even though I was overwhelmed, drugged up and emotional, I appreciated the smallest of gestures from the strangest of places. People don't need ignored and they don't need judged and (some) people don't need a damn prayer chain. They just need reminded that they are remembered and loved and would be missed if the driver had been any more careless in his driving.