praying into the abyss

It seems for me that religious exchanges often end with one person walking away from a difficult conversation feeling fulfilled or satisfied, and the other person left empty, exhausted or distracted. 

I do not know if I am broken or the church is broken. I do not know what I expected when I was hit - a notified the associate pastor of the church I am loosely affiliated with, perhaps thinking that someone would have an answer. But I received silence and Facebook likes, or messages that a few handful of people were praying for me. What did I expect? I didn't want casseroles, I don't believe in the power of prayer, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. So I was alone, and then I was resentful* for it. Where does your faith fit into that? There is no room for religion in the cramped cave of desperation. 

And in that darkness, word got back to my associate pastor that I was disenfranchised with churches (newsflash: she knew that), and she took me out to coffee, where our conversation played out like someone tearing off a bandage, pouring salt in the wound, rubbing it around a bit, and then rinsing it away with cool water, leaving me raw and sore. Did she walk away feeling as torn apart as I did? Or was her guilt vindicated and her conscious clear? 

Religion has fucked everything up, and where I was once cautious of the organization of my faith, now I spurn it. I do not simply reference getting hit, I'm also considering the state of the affairs in the world, and how dogmatic, right-wing Christian evangelicalism has truly laid waste to the Kingdom. If they use the Bible as a sword for the injustices and legislation,  then I use the Bible as a shield with which to defend those who are under the knife. At worst, I am now just an Apathyist - the person who practices apathy in their faith. I neither accept nor deny the teachings of Christ, I just, meh. 

Jesus wept, indeed. 


I learned a prayer from an Orthodox priest in college, adapting it over the years to reflect my place in life's journeys, and applying it to yoga practice and meditation: 

"Jesus Christ, here we are, have mercy on me, I'm trying."

* but who am I kidding? I resent everything and everyone.